I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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