I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
