Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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