Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
