Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
