today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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