How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
