I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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