im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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