Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
