im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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