Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
