Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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