My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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