Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
