I am puke
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
