Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
