The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
