she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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