I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
