Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
