My hair reeks of homosexuality.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
