so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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