it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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