I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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