It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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