So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
