You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
