I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
