he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
