woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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