After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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