I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
