the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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