im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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