I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
