end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
