She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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