Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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