last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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