ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm passing your future prison.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
