I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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