it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
