Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
