I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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