Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
