tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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