we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
