took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
