Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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