You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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