I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
