I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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