I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
