apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
