There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
