I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
