there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
