They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
